Under Functioning & Over Functioning in Housekeeping
Part 1: Basic Framework
Many people struggle with either over functioning or under functioning in housekeeping. This can correlate with a tendency towards space domination, or a discomfort around (literally) taking up space.
I first heard this framework from Lilly Womble of Date Brazen (as it applies to our dating expectations), who borrowed it from Brene Brown. I used to call this “playing in the extremes,” to denote the way we often swing from one extreme to the other before we are able to opt in or opt out at will. If we feel like we are completely frozen and shut down around housekeeping tasks, or like we can only function if the house is perfect, it’s usually a sign that we haven’t yet accessed that ability to opt in and opt out at will.
That doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with us, and it makes a lot of sense that we develop these behaviors when you consider the impact of cultural and familial upbringing, and the larger societal and circumstantial context of our lives.
In Holistic Housekeeping, homemaking is a mindfulness practice that allows us to better support our mental health, creative process, and sense of contentment/ease in our day to day life over time. This is never about achieving personal growth clout by proving we are superiorly developed in our secure attachment, never have “negative” emotions, or have mastered self determination. This is just about easing suffering where it is possible, because there is a lot of suffering that we don’t have any control over.
It takes years of practice to integrate a change and close the gap between knowing and being, but our personal growth culture acts like having information is enough, and tends to get stuck in the Dunning Kruger Effect (highly recommend Googling that). Housekeeping is humbling not just because we are wrongly told it’s remedial labor that anyone can do, but because it will show us exactly where we’re at.
Once we develop autonomy (or secure attachment, however you want to frame it) in housekeeping, it becomes easier to see how our patterns play out in relationship to other humans, ourselves, and our professional/creative work. Housekeeping is a low stakes (yet deeply impactful) area of life to become an expert in observing and shifting our own behavioral patterns.
Sincerely, Bad Mommy
First, a disclaimer: This is a framework. All models are wrong, some models are useful. We look at the poles on a spectrum or in a complex system in order to better map patterns and understand where behavior comes from and how to shift the behavior. Frameworks are not reality and they are not meant to be inclusive of every single person’s experience or perfectly map every single person’s experience. Frameworks are just tools, that’s all. There are a lot of things happening here that I’m not covering in this post, because it’s already quite long.
U N D E R F U N C T I O N I N G & Fear of Taking Up Space
When we tend towards under functioning in housekeeping it might look like:
Feeling generally frozen, overwhelmed, and/or avoidant around mess.
Getting stuck in negative feedback loops where we put off the housekeeping, it piles up and gets overwhelming, then we put it off…
Not seeing mess or feeling as if we “don’t see mess” when in fact we are so sensitive to our environment we are having a prolonged freeze response or are dissociating.
Becoming dysregulated because of environmental triggers; constantly losing important items right before we need to leave the house, forgetting to complete important care tasks like packing lunch or taking medicine, missing appointments and dropping balls, losing our temper with our kids because we feel overstimulated by the mess, inability to establish rhythms and routines, etc.
Constantly double-purchasing items that we lose all the time, creating more clutter and waste, and then feeling guilty.
Bringing in lots of new projects, art supplies, books, etc. even though we almost never use them and almost never use the items we already own.
Reluctance to invite over guests because of embarrassment over the state of the home.
Sometimes this under functioning comes with a fear of taking up (literal) space in our own home, which might look like:
Never fully moving into our home and unpacking our boxes even after living there for months or years.
Feeling like the signs of our presence in the home are an annoyance and burden to the people we live with.
Feeling detached from our home or avoiding developing attachment to our home by making it feel like our own, because we fear it might get taken away.
A belief that homemaking is oppressive and therefore we are more free by not taking it on as part of our identity.
O V E R F U N C T I O N I N G & Space Dominating
When we tend towards over functioning in housekeeping it might look like:
An inability to function or get important tasks done unless we finish a housekeeping task first, such as an inability to throw together a quick dinner if the dishes are piled up.
Resenting our family members or housemates for “always leaving their mess for us to clean up.”
Resenting our family members or housemates for not doing the housekeeping tasks in our way or to our standards, or for not understanding how to use our organization system.
Constantly changing things in the home environment; huge turnover of bringing in new objects and then making returns or decluttering them, rearranging furniture every week, etc.
Getting rid of things that you later realize you actually use or need, and then having to repurchase them.
Sometimes this over functioning comes with a tendency towards space domination, which might look like:
Reorganizing and redecorating family member’s spaces without their consent or participation.
High levels of stress when other people create mess after you have just cleaned, high levels of stress when guests come over and don’t know how to use the systems.
An entanglement between the state of the home and self worth or identity.
Only feeling comfortable and relaxed in your own space, not being able to feel like yourself or relax in other people’s spaces.
Obviously, all of these things can be valid ways of relating to home and housekeeping, and may or may not be a problem. But if you feel like you are nodding your head ‘yes’ to many of these, and like it’s really detracting from your overall quality of life, you can scope out my website to see if you would like to work together to begin to shift some of these patterns.
Some Newsletter Housekeeping
If you subscribed to Adaptive Daydream because you love my not-housekeeping content, you can unsubscribe to the Holistic Housekeeping section and still receive everything else!